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avatar for Melissa Kaercher

Melissa Kaercher

Tin Lizard Productions
Minneapolis, MN
A thorough search of the archives in Miskatonic University reveals very few references to Melissa Kaercher. Indeed, most of her research has been marked as classified and stored away in that big warehouse in Indiana Jones, right in between the Ark of the Covenant and Jimmy Hoffa. However, speculation about her work led to at least one movie script draft, and today it serves as possibly the most comprehensive study of her life. Since the script is being held under wraps by Troma for possible future production, the only thing we can present here is the text from the back of the packaging for an action figure planned for the film: New, from Mattel! GLOOM RAIDER (tm) action figures! Collect them all! See Cthulhu (tm) with his seething tentacle action, kung-fu grip and coffee cup! (Coffee not included.) Watch Charles Dexter Ward (tm) become possessed by his Evil Ancestor (tm)! (Not suitable for children under 5 years of age.) Observe as Shub-Niggurath (tm) crushes a Hapless Victim (tm) with one of its Thousand Young (tm)! (Hapless Victim (tm) and Thousand Young (tm) sold separately.) And now, for a limited time only, you too could own the special edition action figure of the Gloom Raider herself, Melissa Kaercher (tm)! The figure comes with her own SAL9000 hybrid vehicle, a copy of her degrees, and her favorite ant farm! Melissa (tm) also comes with a choice of play sets! ...Have her explore the Canadian tundra on the Arctic Action River Raft Expedition Set! Comes with miniature inflatable canoe, bug repellent, tent, and musk ox! ...Watch while she maps archaeological sites on the Castilian Adventure Roman Villas of Spain Set! Comes complete with transit, camera, bag o' souvenirs, and replica of the Villa de Materno! ...Help her escape from the Corporate Hell Set! Includes desk, paper clips, portable computer, and the Cafeteria of No Return! ...Observe her progress through a sci-fi convention with the Convention Craziness Set! Watch her run between panels! Comes complete with tiny bottle of scotch, pocket schedule, and the Table of Endless Junk Food! Fanboys sold separately. ...Earn more geek cred with the Comics Studio Playset! Comes packaged with a WACOM graphics tablet, a half-dozen Macintosh computers, Godzilla figurines, 10 gallons of red paint, tin foil (for covering the windows and shunning daylight), and a box full of insomnia! Batteries not included. Void where prohibited. Must be taller that 54" to ride this ride. $0.08 refund in VA, CA, NY and MD. Sorry, no C.O.D.

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